You Used To Watch Me Come And Go

(Ambria, I wrote this a long time ago…)

This morning, as I was pulling out of the driveway, I could see my girls in the window.

Ambria has learned to prop herself up by standing on the heater vent and hold on to the window ledge. Mariah was waiving hysterically, and I simply had to put it in neutral and press pause.

I waived in return, blowing kisses (Mariah catches them). Ambria, through learned behavior, imitated the waiving. But to do so required her to step down (out of sight), releasing her otherwise occupied hands.

As I pulled down the street, I saw her tiny hands waiving, where her face once smiled.

A Night To Remember

My favorite dates, are the ones when you and I can spend some time together, alone. It's not very often that we get to go out on a solo-date, but this Valentine's Day (2017), I took you to a Daddy/Daughter Dance at Frederik Meijer Gardens. We arrived early, and took our place in the corner, but after a few minutes, we took our boot-scootin' booties out on the dance floor!

At one point you tried to learn the Electric Slide all by yourself... You were so brave, and I just watched and tried to capture all the memories. You are confident, and good at everything that you do! I snapped pictures, but my tears kept getting in the way. 

Then you went in the corner at the craft table, and made me a necklace. 

I keep it by my bed.

The last song of the night was a slow dance... 

Almost every dad in the building was wiping a tears. 

I was just mesmerized by the gorgeous girl in front of me. 

I Wrote This Letter on Valentine's Day, 2015

                                                                                                           

Dear Ambria,

Once upon a time, there was little girl who used to follow me around. She couldn’t keep up with me I walked, so she would stop and cry out for me to carry her. Well, one day I just kept on walking and she kept on following me. She was wearing blue jeans and rain boots and carrying a walking stick. When I turned around to notice her, she was so adorable that I just fell smack dab in love with her in that very moment. Because, after all, she was my precious baby girl!

Ever since that day, I have been smitten with butterflies in my tummy every time you look at me. Your big, brown eyes are always searching for answers to questions unspoken. You are honest. You are true. You are faithful. You are smart. You love Jesus and pray to him at night. You make me and your mommy so proud!

I can’t believe your last report card …. It was perfect, perfect, perfect! And that calls for a celebration! Therefore please consider my official request to invite you out to a special dinner on Valentines’ Day. Will you be my date? Will you put on a pretty dress, and ask mommy to do your hair super pretty? Will you hold my hand and let me give you hugs and kisses?

I’m taking you out on a date, somewhere special. All three of my daughters sitting across from me, so I can look at you and watch you grow up in an instant!

I just want you to know that I miss you so much! And I’m really excited to see you and I just want to pick you up and hold you in my arms and never ever ever ever let go!

Please don’t forget to keep praying to Jesus every night. And don’t forget to pray for me, that I will be safe and that I will keep working hard to become a better Christians. I want to be the kind of daddy that will always make you proud. As a matter of fact, that’s about the only thing in the world that I care about anymore.

Always remember: I will always love you. Even if you ever do something really, really bad… I will still be there for you. There is nothing you can ever do to make me love you any more or less than I already do!

Remember who you belong to, daughter of God.

I love you forever and ever and ever and ever,

Daddy

"Ambria Faith, I Love You!"

"I love you."


My daughters are drenched in this truth. Every morning in their waking, I hug and kiss them and wonder how they slept and what they dreamed about. The beauty of their innocence leaves me shivering with awe, each blink a reminder that they have their mommy's almond eyes, and I, I am wrapped around each finger.


This morning Ambria expressed a hint of sarcasm in her response, "Why do you always say that?" Rolling her eyes and shrugging her shoulders, she seemed bored with my language of love: words of affirmation. In one ear, and out the other. She has grown somewhat numb to the diverse examples that I have used to remind her. "I love you."


Why do I always say that?


Because I want my daughters to grow up knowing who they are, and whose they are. I want them to never have to wonder if their father was paying attention. I want my children to hear those words audibly, and see them lived out - physically. I flood their ears with those three words, because it just might be the one true thing they hear all day.


I love you. Before you ever realized it, I loved you. I have loved you with an everlasting love. Before you could do anything to earn it. I love you with a selfless-take a bullet for you- change your diapers for you- bind your wounds and kiss your scrapes - kind of love. The kind of love that hurts to fathom, and invokes migraines in the comprehension of...infinity.


Nothing. There is nothing you could ever do to make me love you any more, or any less. I love you before you choose to break my heart. I love you during the premeditated act. I love you in the excess of your selfishness. I love you through the season of your rebellion. I will be the guy waiting at the edge of the driveway for my prodigal to return. With binoculars. and a box of tissues, clutching a picture of the day you were born.


I love you. Not because your pre-school teachers rave about your advancements, or because you can recite most of the OT books of the bible. My love for you is scandalous, risky, and limitless. Where can you possibly go to outrun my love?


I know about your little habits, mannerisms, and secrets. I know you pretend to have an overactive bladder, when in actuality you are blazing a trail of rebellion from your bedtime. I know you have learned to fake a cough in high hopes of avoiding school. I know you think I can't see you through the window, when you're playing alone in the back yard. I know you like to eat snow, and then say you're not hungry for dinner. I know you used to squat in the corner for additional privacy, avoiding the toilet training regimen...


I will be here. When your first boyfriend breaks up with you, and your second boyfriend turns out to be gay, and your prom date forgets to pick you up, and your friends go away to college - I'll be here to laugh with you, cry with you, live with you, and die with you. I will be here when the whole world is throwing rocks at you, and your sin is on the evening news and everyone else writes you off with tragic finality. I'll be here when you realize that you want nothing to do with professional religious people, and I'll be here when you expect me to lock you out of the house. I'll be here when you break the rules, and I'll be here when you find your voice.


Why do I always say that?


Because every day I am making a deposit into your memory bank.

Welcome This World, Baby Girl!

heaven has crashed into earth, this first day of spring

and my heart pounds with yours

[welcome to this new beginning]

a world painted in full volume at the hands of the creator

waiting at your doorstep

merry go rounds and barking dogs

carnivals and fireworks

a sky ablaze in song

'this land is your land, this land is my land'

heaven has crashed into earth

this first day of spring

and my eyes are fixed on yours

if this picture paints a thousand words

the opening chapters are being written

and the characters introduced

you my leading lady, take my hand

and we'll dance across each page

heaven has crashed into earth

this first day of spring

and there's a song in the air

the universal melody of all creation:

clapping trees and crying rocks

changing seasons and the hanging moon

(that ever-faithful witness in the sky)

to the covenant established between you and i

outside the window

rain howling wind

clouds hidden sun

a double rainbow

one for you

one for me

welcome to this new beginning...

(I took this picture from outside the window, when your mother was in labor; thunder and lightning crashed as you were being born!)