Look out, Broadway!

It's that time of year for another fall season performance at Holland High School! After watching your older sister stealing the spotlight for the past few years, you decided to jump into the action! This was your very first theatre performance, and right away I could notice that you were born to stand out. You both did so wonderful, and I couldn't have been more proud of you both!

You have such a way of demanding attention, even in the background. You are so animated, and your facial expressions seem to hijack the audience. In this performance, you played in the ensemble as one of the children, and although it was a small role, I believe that you will have many more opportunities in the near future. You are a natural, Ambria.

This is always like the highlight of the season: To sit back with my friends and family, and point out my daughter(s) on the stage!

"That's my baby girl!"

Recreating the Moment (LOVE)

Revisiting Asheville...

Last week we returned to Asheville, for the first time and last time - forever, for now. It was bittersweet to drive the winding roads that lead us back to your childhood home on Hazel Brook Road. When we pulled in the driveway, we immediately noticed the notsosubtle changes to remind us that everything has changed.

Weeds have overgrown the front yard where you used to do cartwheels. Trash lined the broken concrete in the driveway, and barking dogs warned us to stay away. It was overgrown with neglect, and even the fruit trees had been cut down. Nothing was the same, but the memories were triggered.

We tried to drive up to Craggy Gardens, to show Teresa the views. But the gate was closed to our access point. We tried to tour through the Asheville Community Theatre, but the doors were locked for the holiday weekend. And now, even our old house had the feeling of near condemnation.

So then we tried to recreate the beautiful moment when I turned to find you, hiking behind me. All those years ago, and you - my angel- are the one thing that has stayed the same!

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Your Love Langue: "Quality Time"

One thing that has become overwhelmingly clear is that you are a classic middle child!

You often feel sandwiched between your sisters, and much of our activities include your sisters. And both Mariah and Ashlyn are both more vocal in our interactions, "hogging" all of the conversation time. So our typical car rides include Mariah wanting to tell me a story about theater or hunter or show me a video, while Ashlyn repeatedly asks if she can read out loud to me. All the while, you sit quietly reading your book and escaping into your own world of wonder and curiosity.

I have noticed that you seem to come alive whenever we have the time to be alone together. You  love to play soccer with me, or go out on dates. You love to be 1-on-1 with Teresa too, and you never want Ashlyn to tag along. You seem to NEED quality time alone with one of us, and don't like to share!

So I will speak to you in your love language. Let's go out on a date. Let's hold hands. Let me tell you what I see in you, when I look into your eyes. I want you to know that ever since you were a little baby - I thought to myself: "She is absolutely gorgeous!"

You have a very unique and spectacular appearance, with big brown eyes and captivating smile. You are always thinking of others, and love to give gifts (which might be your 2nd Love Language). You are talented and athletic, so good at everything you set your mind to. You are confident and capable, and I believe that YOU will thrive in any environment. I have so much confidence that we are raising you to become a revolutionary who will make history someday.

Victory in Defeat

So, unfortunately you've been playing soccer for two full seasons, and you have not yet one a single game! It's getting very old, and now you are feeling the anger and frustration of consistent loss.

The past two games have been very humiliating, after losing by several goals. You waive your arms and fall down on the ground. After the game last week, you kicked the ball away in anger and then collapsed on the ground and sobbed uncontrollably. You looked me in the eyes and I said, "You are a winner, that's why you hate to lose. You are a DePoy!"

I promise you, that if you keep going, you will eventually experience victory. You will be a warrior on the field, fast and smart. You can quit, or you can keep fighting. I suggest the latter.

Not Fair!

If only you knew... you are too young right now to comprehend the struggle, behind the scenes. It would traumatize you to know the things that I deal with on a fairly regular basis.

For the past couple of years you have been begging me to become a soccer coach for your team. I always thought about it, and agreed that it would be fun. I know I would be a great coach, and it would be excellent quality (koinonia) time spent with you. There's nothing I would enjoy more!

So two weeks ago as I was picking you up from your first practice with the 5/6th grade girl's team, your coach began talking with me. He asked me about my playing experience and knowledge of the game. I offered to help out in any way possible, if he wanted. He immediately invited me to become his assistant coach! You were sO excited at the idea (of course, after asking if you could wear #12 like your dad!).

Your coach sent me a volunteer application which I filled out immediately and returned. He asked me to lead the whole team in practice the following Friday. I was pumped! I began to draw up plays and activities that we could do as a team in practice.

Then I got a *text (?) from your coach.

He simply said that my background criminal history prohibited me from volunteering as an assistant coach. He would not explain further. I was devastated! I was trying to figure out what happened, because my criminal history is actually completely erased now. Nothing shows up. I assumed there was some mistake... I called the Parks & Recreation Department and started to argue with them over the phone.

NOTHING infuriates me more than people assuming that my past mistakes has something to do with the safety of children. I would lay down my life to protect you (and any child) from a predator. I am disgusted to even include this blog post.

For three days I went back and forth with the City of Holland.

First they said no. (I was angry).
Then they said yes. (I was happy).
Then they said no again. (I was devastated)!

Even after a friend of mine, the Chief of Holland Police Department (retired, John Kruithoff) called them on my behalf and gave them a character reference, stating that I was a good man, and a great father. This did not change their mind.

I called the Human Resources director, Jennifer Orme. (Yes, she is the wife of Mariah's favorite teacher). I listened to her describe the reason for  h e r decision to keep me from coaching your team. Of course, it was to "protect" kids.

I threatened to sue her and called my lawyer. I slammed the phone down and walked away. I took a long walk down Willow Drive, and began to cry. I was SO MAD that they were keeping me from you. I was SO MAD that everybody treats me like I am some kind of criminal. I am SO MAD that nobody will give me a chance. I am SO UPSET that it's not fair to YOU!

So I had to call you and tell you the news: I am not going to be able to coach your soccer team this fall. I made up some story about my schedule not being flexible enough. You were very confused and sad, "Why daddy?!"

It broke my heart. I hung up the phone and cried.


___________


But this Saturday morning, I took you out on a dadd/daughter date. We had breakfast at Anna's House, and you sipped on a hot chocolate. We looked up the origin of your name, and the number of people who are named "Ambria"; you are an original. You are my sunshine. You are my angel.

I love spending time with you, and I would do anything for you Ambria. Thank you for believing in me, and loving me too.

The End of Summer

School starts in two weeks, and your mom is getting married to Chris tomorrow. Last night, Teresa and I took you, Mariah, and Ashlyn to Laketown Beach on the south side of Holland. It was an absolutely beautiful night, and we all went swimming. The water was warm, and the sun was shining... These are the memories that we hope for in the dead of winter!

So we all played frisbee out in the water, and you teased Bismarck. We did backflips into the water, and you are so brave (and athletic!). Soccer starts soon too, and I can't watch you kick some butt.

We took a long walk on the beach, and held hands and talked. You told me that you wished you could live with me all the time. You said it's more fun, and it feels more like a family unit. You said that we always do things together as a family, and there's always some new adventure. These words really meant a lot to me because I have had to create "quality" in the absence of quantity. You'll understand what those words mean when you get older.

Oh, funny story: You didn't get on the same team as your friend Ruby "Uby". They sent you a list of names of the people on your team.

I asked you what the name of your team was and you said, "The Rosters".

I said, "What??"

You said, "Exactly."

Then I realized, you thought that the list was the name of your team mascot! Hahaahahahahah!!!

Grace Youth Camp (Summer, 2017)

When Teresa was your age, she went to Grace Adventures Youth Camp, and it helped to shape her faith and hope in Jesus. This summer you had the opportunity to go to summer camp for a whole week with your best friend, Uby Ruby. 

Here are some of the pictures from the camp... It looks like you are having a blast. I am just imaging that you are the best shooter (because a month ago, I taught you how to shoot!) and the fastest to climb the dunes at Sleeping Bear, and the best Cowboy because you are a Musketeer!

That's my girl, there - on the far right! You are being silly and laughing, and I can hear you laughing all the way from camp! I love it when you laugh! I can't wait to pick you up tonight, and hear all about your adventures at camp!

-

Here It Is. My Favorite Picture.

This is the day when I fell in love with you. This was the moment, when, after walking aggressively up a long hill, I heard the sound of your heavy breathing... I turned to find you trying to keep up with me. I stopped and stared at you. I melted. I am still melting.

.

Forever, For Always.

That's you, on the left. You and Mariah used to waive to me from the front window of our little home on Canterbury Avenue every morning when I pulled out of the driveway. You needed to step up on the heating register, and hold yourself up on the ledge. In order to waive, you had to step back down then simply waive your tiny hands ... it's all I could see.

What you didn't realize then, was that you were flirting with my heart. And I was falling in love.




And then one day, we moved to Asheville, North Carolina. It was an opportunity for you to see the mountains and bond together. Our first day there, I took a selfie with you - my favorite photo-bomber!

Our first day in North Carolina, we climbed up to the top of a huge hill overlooking our new house, and I took this picture of us...




And then, a few days later we explored Craggy Gardens and the pinnacle at the top of the mountain. The views were amazing. You couldn't climb up the steep incline, so I carried you most of the way. I held you up to get a view of the surrounding landscape...





And I could have stayed there in that moment, forever for always.

.

Just Love

A Walk to Remember

This afternoon we went to a private beach on the south side of Holland. While Mariah was at rehearsal for Annie, Teresa and I took you and Ashlyn to the beach. It was a beautiful afternoon, and although the water was cold, you and Teresa walked out into the water.

Ashlyn climbed on to Teresa's shoulders and gave her a Mud Massage. Meanwhile, you and I took a long walk down the beach and I took the opportunity to make up for lost time. You held my hand and I told you how PROUD of I am of your recent cast call for Chitty Chitty-Bang Bang at Holland High School.

Last week you called me all excited and said that you were going to audition for this performance. I responded with some reluctance because I was afraid that it would mean that you might not be able to go on vacation with us to Asheville over Thanksgiving. I am SO SORRY that I didn't sound more excited for you, and I should have let you know that I support you, and you make me proud.

I think you were jealous of Mariah getting all the attention, and when it was your turn, I wasn't as supportive. But tonight I realized that you need to be affirmed, and you are amazing all by yourself. So as it turns out, you needed to hear it from me, that I will be going crazy for you - screaming your name as you come out in the ensemble.

I told you that I wished I could see you every day. I miss North Carolina, when I could tuck you in every night. I miss talking walks to the Tire Swing, and seeing the horses. I told you how sorry I am for my contribution to the end of our marriage, and then you asked why we got divorced.

I explained that I made terrible mistakes and that I hurt your mom. I told you that I have a lot of regrets about lying and making inappropriate decisions. I also told you the truth that nobody is perfect, but that I am hoping that one day I will be fully forgiven. I asked you if you forgive me, and you said yes.

I will always be honest with you about my mistakes. I hope I can teach you that it's ok to mess up and I will still, always, love you. No matter what.

.....

When we finally picked up Mariah after her rehearsal, we all walked around downtown Holland. We stopped for Frozen Yogurt, and I took this picture of my four loves.

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The End of Rex - Your First Funeral

A few months ago you called me all excited, "Daddy, I bought a hamster!" After much research you named him "Rex Quan-Do" because, well - of course you did! You bought Rex a cage and few toys... He was fat, but active and cute! On a few occasions he got lost in the house. Sometimes you took him to the park, and unleashed his cult of speed. Rex was a trusted companion, sigh. He was there for you when all else failed. He was loyal, and trustworthy. He never spoke a word of your secrets. He was your confidant on rainy days...

Last night, Rex died. It was a slow death, and apparently very painful. He must have fallen from the top of his ladder and according to your reports: broke his back. You were taking things pretty hard. I talked with you on the phone and you said that you guys were headed over to Chris's woods to bury Rex near your new house.

I wish I could have been there with you.

I suggested that you get a new hamster as soon as possible. You had already decided in your heart that yes, that is a good idea. You suggested three names: Hippopotamus, Pete, and LeRoy. I told you that I liked the name, "Pete."

And then I said, "If Pete dies, then you can get another hamster called, 'Re-Pete'!"

Ah the cycle of life and death and life and heartache. But through it all, love still wins. You will see Rex in heaven, someday in the new creation.

A Return to Chicago!

Teresa and I took you and your sisters to Chicago last weekend. It was so fun to take a road trip with you. I love it when my daughters still tell me to "Tell us a story, dad!"

We stayed in a hotel near the Chicago O'Hare airport. We took the subway into the city, and you held my hand. You were exposed to extreme poverty, scam artists, and even a drug deal! Welcome to the real world, Ambria Faith.

At one point we were all walking across the busy intersection, and a homeless woman in a motorized wheelchair accidentally hit a pothole and ran over her foot. She was crying out for help, and her two small children were in the middle of the intersection.

At one point, I had climbed up on a fence and snapped a few pictures of my three beautiful daughters, on the streets of Chicago!

Like Daddy, Like Daughter

Last weekend we spent the afternoon with Aunt Janelle's boyfriend - James. He has a few pellet guns and a CrossBow! You are naturally gifted, and seem to be up for adventure all the time!

I used to always want a son. Three girls is a lot of estrogen! Hah! But you, you always satisfy my desire to find adventure. You are a woman and I hear your ROAR!

Here are a couple of pictures!

You Used To Watch Me Come And Go

(Ambria, I wrote this a long time ago…)

This morning, as I was pulling out of the driveway, I could see my girls in the window.

Ambria has learned to prop herself up by standing on the heater vent and hold on to the window ledge. Mariah was waiving hysterically, and I simply had to put it in neutral and press pause.

I waived in return, blowing kisses (Mariah catches them). Ambria, through learned behavior, imitated the waiving. But to do so required her to step down (out of sight), releasing her otherwise occupied hands.

As I pulled down the street, I saw her tiny hands waiving, where her face once smiled.

A Night To Remember

My favorite dates, are the ones when you and I can spend some time together, alone. It's not very often that we get to go out on a solo-date, but this Valentine's Day (2017), I took you to a Daddy/Daughter Dance at Frederik Meijer Gardens. We arrived early, and took our place in the corner, but after a few minutes, we took our boot-scootin' booties out on the dance floor!

At one point you tried to learn the Electric Slide all by yourself... You were so brave, and I just watched and tried to capture all the memories. You are confident, and good at everything that you do! I snapped pictures, but my tears kept getting in the way. 

Then you went in the corner at the craft table, and made me a necklace. 

I keep it by my bed.

The last song of the night was a slow dance... 

Almost every dad in the building was wiping a tears. 

I was just mesmerized by the gorgeous girl in front of me. 

I Wrote This Letter on Valentine's Day, 2015

                                                                                                           

Dear Ambria,

Once upon a time, there was little girl who used to follow me around. She couldn’t keep up with me I walked, so she would stop and cry out for me to carry her. Well, one day I just kept on walking and she kept on following me. She was wearing blue jeans and rain boots and carrying a walking stick. When I turned around to notice her, she was so adorable that I just fell smack dab in love with her in that very moment. Because, after all, she was my precious baby girl!

Ever since that day, I have been smitten with butterflies in my tummy every time you look at me. Your big, brown eyes are always searching for answers to questions unspoken. You are honest. You are true. You are faithful. You are smart. You love Jesus and pray to him at night. You make me and your mommy so proud!

I can’t believe your last report card …. It was perfect, perfect, perfect! And that calls for a celebration! Therefore please consider my official request to invite you out to a special dinner on Valentines’ Day. Will you be my date? Will you put on a pretty dress, and ask mommy to do your hair super pretty? Will you hold my hand and let me give you hugs and kisses?

I’m taking you out on a date, somewhere special. All three of my daughters sitting across from me, so I can look at you and watch you grow up in an instant!

I just want you to know that I miss you so much! And I’m really excited to see you and I just want to pick you up and hold you in my arms and never ever ever ever let go!

Please don’t forget to keep praying to Jesus every night. And don’t forget to pray for me, that I will be safe and that I will keep working hard to become a better Christians. I want to be the kind of daddy that will always make you proud. As a matter of fact, that’s about the only thing in the world that I care about anymore.

Always remember: I will always love you. Even if you ever do something really, really bad… I will still be there for you. There is nothing you can ever do to make me love you any more or less than I already do!

Remember who you belong to, daughter of God.

I love you forever and ever and ever and ever,

Daddy